Like No-ones Watching You

Story and poem by Shannon Rothschild

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."

Home Sunday night.
All I can hear are the little dogs crunching on the small chicken bones while the soft TV chatter blends in the background. The smell of sweet perfume and the odor of young puppies fill the air. This place, time travels slow, it is not the clock that tells the time but the activity, the movement, the effort, the sound, the absence of energy. Alone, its more then being free of one yelling at you about the dishes, or your room or the magnum ice-cream stick left by your bedside table. It’s as if each step towards the kitchen, or the bathroom are long strides where everything around you becomes a gentle blur. 
Suddenly, the door slams…

Bags drop to the floor.“Shannon, help unpack, Shannon do it now. Don’t make me ask you again, now!” Loud stomps. Dishes clash. Dogs bark. Loud demands from the opposite end of the house are being called. “Now!, I asked you already!” Lights are on. Tv’s are switched on. Phones are ringing. Cupboards are banging. No time to think. No time to move. Go. Go. Go.

“People who have physical scars hide them with clothing or makeup, people who have emotional scars hide them with a laugh or a smile”

School. 
“Shannon… laugh now, no don’t laugh that loud it’s not funny… Shannon don’t do that… now do this… Shannon, stop! Now go. Shannon, go over there. Wait and pick this up. Concentrate with this. Answer that. Be polite now but not too much. You have to understand now. Wait for it, now laugh. Chat, chat, chat now be quiet for a bit. Focus on that…understand that…focus…listen…do…wait…come on, now why cant you do all of it! Next class, stay tuned… try remember whats going on… don’t get lost… focus…don’t talk. Oh wait, hey wait I forgot to do this for next lesson crap!
Shannon you have to focus now… Listen to this person, go sit over there. oh no, oh no oh no I need to write this down but I cant concentrate, stop saying you cant do it. Oh homophobia, that’s interesting. Wait… what was I thinking again. What do we have next lesson. Shannon… your in class that’s all that matters… but your not focused…but your in class… but…but… oh no. RING RING.
What just happened in that class?




“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found there way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a s sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion and gentleness and with a deep love of concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Home Monday night. 
How was your day? My facial expression filled with anguish, deep exhaustion and complete lack of enthusiasm was my attempt of answering her question.
“School’s school, I guess…” Tomorrow is going to be good, please be good… but what if you don’t concentrate…what happens if your too tired…oh no you haven’t handed in that sheet. “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow” The look on her face is as if she wants to cry. Why can’t I just be like every other kid who doesn’t want to go to school but still does, it’s as if everything in my body is telling me you can’t deal with school. “Is it the teachers? Is it the school? Is it your friends?... the work? Are you just too lazy?” bombarded with questions to try and understand what s going on, her pain and lack of understanding is overwhelming. I don’t know, I wish I knew but I just don’t. I want to be the kid I used to be, the one that loved going to school and was motivated and enthusiastic. Its just as if some ones drained all of it out of me. Finally we arrive in my drive way and its as if that entire car drive was a blur. It continues this way for the rest of the night. It is not the peaceful empty blur, more of the busy uncomfortable blur that races past me.

JOURNEY

It’ s as if I am running, running along the train tracks,
my bare feet burning and feeling it lacks
my hair tucked neatly behind my ears.
The wind roaring and breaking against my skin, as the end nears
Anything, anywhere I search for
among me, above, the helpless shadows soar
My gentle body being pulled by a string
If only I had taken the easy wing
But no I remembered that the hard route is the one
The one that will stop my emotional run
But once I get to the end of this track
Will this happiness, hope and motivation be back
Everything is whirling around and above
Hopefully this is one step closer, my love.


“Look at you. You’re young and you’re scared. Why are you scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want, think what you think, listen to the music you want to listen to and play loud and dance to it. Go out for a walk in the middle of the night. Stop waiting for the weekend. Stop waiting for the bell to go. Do it now. Live now. Take risks. Tell your secrets. Live your life. This is life is yours.”